Wow. The crazy world of being a MOM. Let me tell you, it is wild. It is amazing, beautiful, fun, crazy, exhausting and maddening all at once. I know every mother in the world thinks their child is beautiful... but she really is, beautiful.
She is now 11 weeks old and she can smile back at us now. It's the most rewarding feeling to see her smile back at you. It is crazy to us how quickly she is growing and changing, and yet, in some of these moments, I also think that she is growing too slowly and I am eager to see the exciting changes that are yet to come.
She was laying on her back on her playmat the other night and Michael looked over at her, his face in a sort of shock. I asked him "What?". He replied, "She's holding that owl like a goddamn champion!" Sure enough, I look over and she is holding onto the bottom of her owl toy with a good as grasp as any.
Having a baby has definitely put a lot of anxiety into my life. Anxiety and worry that I never really knew before. Since I am exclusively breastfeeding, I am constantly worried about my milk supply. Especially on feedings that seem much too short to me, or when she is fussy and crying after eating and I can't figure out why. I keep telling myself that it must be okay in order for her to be gaining weight at the rate that she is. I have made so many appointments to the MILC Clinic in Kaiser, they actually know our faces now. Although I really do think last week was probably my last appointment there. It's a part of the Kaiser clinic that has lactation consultants, they weigh baby pre-meal and post-meal to see how much milk they ingested, because truly, there really is no other way to know, which can drive a precise person bonkers. She took the most she has ever taken at our last visit, which was 140 ml. 30 ml = 1 oz, so she drank 4.6 oz! Previous visits she had taken 85 ml and even as little as 60 ml. I don't know if this just means she is becoming a more efficient drinker? Previous visits though we had about a 2 hour gap between a feed, one of them even just 1 hour, which I believe was the 60 ml, so it really was more of a "snack" for her. This last one was a 3 hour gap, so she must have been really hungry and I probably had more to give her that had built up.
I suppose that being said, milk production is really my biggest worry with the baby. The only other thing that scares me is hearing/reading SIDS stories... babies that just die suddenly for no apparent reason in their sleep. Being a veterinarian, it's hard to read these stories and think - there was no cause. It truly is an annoyance of mine when I hear people say things like, "he died from old age". Nobody really dies of old age do they? There is always something, discovered or not, there is a cause and effect. That's how my medically trained mind wants to work. Could be true though? That someone could just die of old age? It doesn't make sense to me when I think about it of course because if one did an autopsy on an older person, surely they would find SOMETHING wrong.... Anyway, if you are a new mother, father, parent, I suggest that you do NOT google SIDS stories... I don't think I slept that night. I listened and was startled by every noise made by her... Don't get me wrong, noise is actually a good thing in a sense, but waiting and listening for them.. boy. You really could be up all night, listening to a baby. You'll get no rest. Last week was rough for me because there were two nights in a row that I hardly slept at all. I couldn't remember falling asleep or waking up, because I didn't. Though by night 2 I was pretty delirious - I wasn't sure what I remembered. Thank goodness for day naps with the baby. Those saved my mind I think. It's been better this week because I'm feeling much less anxious. I am looking forward to when she starts to sleep through the night....
There's so much more I could go on and on about Toby, but I have to give it a rest because the baby will be up soon and it will be time for another feed... I'll leave you with a photo.. until next time..
One of my favorites of her
