6 Random Thoughts

Dear Tobey,

I know I always start off this way, but apologies for having disappeared again for such a long while. Turns out, life with kids is a constant full-time never ending job. Sometimes I think about how easy life would have been without kids. Then I wonder the opposite too, if my life would actually be super boring with the kids... I suppose there are pros and cons to both scenarios, and everyone has to make these judgement calls themselves. Then there are people who don't get the choice because they are biologically unable to have children, etc. So all in all, I should consider myself lucky. 

I do constantly worry about the future of the kids though... here is a myriad of thoughts that go through my mind at any given time: 

1) Will they be successful enough to be able to provide for themselves when they are adults? Or could they end up homeless, on the streets, drug addicts... 

2) Could my kids ever die in some freak accident or be murdered by a serial killer or their future partner?

3) Will the world implode from all the badness humans do to this planet... I hear people complaining about plastic bags having disappeared, now replaced by paper bags... and I wonder how if society can't let go of these small changes, how we can ever make the world a better place...

4) I wonder if I should tell my children to not have children because of 3... 

5) I wish I had my kids younger so I could be around for them longer... I worry if they have kids, how hard it will be for them without generational help if we are already gone. Because I know how hard it is and how lucky I am to have had that help from my mom to raise my children.  

6) I wonder if I really should start my own clinic later this year to actually make some real money. Working for someone else is never going to cut it if we want to live comfortably in southern California. 

Those are my ramblings for now.. see you again later, hopefully sooner than last time!

<3 Karen

Brief Update

 Dear Tobey,

At the advice of my therapist (which I started seeing a couple of weeks ago)... I am making an attempt to journal more regularly. It's actually crazy how much I journaled before... and how far I fell away from it after work and kids came into my life. It's crazy how something you used to do so much, things you considered your hobbies... yoga, reading, journaling... could completely disappear from your life if you are not paying attention. So. After my therapy session today, instead of sitting on the couch scrolling my phone for hours and watching TV (but then also not really watching it because I'm scrolling my phone), I ran errands, came home and did 30 minutes of yoga and am now sitting down and writing. I'm going to have to make a point to do this at least weekly, ideally more often... I'm wondering if I actually can commit to doing yoga in the morning before I go to work? That's crazy right? I despise the idea of waking up early to work out. But... it's hard to do yoga later in the day because I have food in my stomach and acid reflux will kick in full force while I'm in a down dog. So... I wonder if I could give it a try... My therapist gave me the idea of having phone hours set in the day, so all the other times, you'd be off your phone. I actually like this idea and hope that Mike will be on board to do this with me as well. I'm thinking.. phone time only while we cuddle with the kids for them to go to bed? No more phone by 10 pm to actually give myself some decent sleep hours? It all sounds so simple, but it so difficult to actually do... It feels like everyone is addicted to their phones. I really swear the internet has ruined humanity. Sure, there's a lot of good from the internet... but at what cost? Is the price tag really worth it. I really don't think so... and how are our kids growing up in the age of the internet.... how does that affect them? It is a bit of a scary thought... Okay, short writing session today.. will touch base again soon..

<3 Karen

Following My Own Advice

Dear Tobey,

One of my dearest friends is going through an incredibly difficult time in her life. I told her how therapeutic journaling and writing it all out is. It dawns on me with fair consistency that I should be following my own advice...  yet I go through huge intermittent spurts of not writing... Primarily because of the children. Someone posted on my DVM Mom's group on FB that they wondered if anyone else felt how they did - that they love their children but they do not like their children. I think about that in terms of my own life and kids, and it's not that I don't like them, it's just that when the going gets tough, I just really dislike those times. The times of whining and fighting amongst each other is maddening. Oh, and this constant chore of having to feed and water these beings... lol. You know what it is - it's this feeling of essentially being a maid/cook/caretaker all of the time that is exhausting. Because of course, as a working parent, it's like I'm constantly on the clock. I go to work at an extremely mentally demanding job, then when I get off, it's just another job to go to - to make sure they are fed, done their homework.. and really trying to do it the "right" way and wondering if I am doing it the "right" way (or not?) is a constant exhausting cycle. I know what they say. I know that it's true. But it doesn't make it any less hard... "The days are long but the years are short". I know it. I know it. I know I will be thinking this when they are old and grown... but it still doesn't make this easier. Growing up, I was never one that thought motherhood was necessity in my life. I was always on the fence about it. I think most people have an inkling of the loss of independence that occurs once you become a parent, but it's one of those things that you don't truly grasp until you've been through it yourself. Then I think it's because I have two children, and how much easier it would have been with just one. But then you think how that one child would have only child syndrome.. and I certainly have been able to tell which of the people I come to know, were raised as only children. Not always of course, but they generally are less empathetic, more selfish than those with siblings.. which makes complete sense. Then I also wonder if I REALLY would know how much easier it is if I only had one, because I wouldn't really know if I didn't actually have two kids. I just THINK this now BECAUSE I have two kids.. if that makes sense. (sigh). I know a lot of it has to do with my second one being the age she is. She's a freshly minted 5 year old... and she's the second born... It's completely not her fault you know. It's not fair that she gets this "blame" just because she is the second born. I know it's not fair. But I am just so so so tired. Does that make me a shitty mom? Maybe. Maybe it does. All this aside, of course I love my children. I just miss sleep, independence... I miss the old me who didn't live with all of this anxiety and stress. 

It's not just the children of course. The job I have is maddening. Can you believe I'm still at the same place? I don't know why I cannot just QUIT. Much of it is because I would feel like I'm letting down so many people.. but maybe the truth is, I'm already letting them down. It's so hard to say... The upside is we've hired an experienced clinic manager... I'm going to see if she and I can turn things around... but if it doesn't work... I think then I can know that I gave it my all and even with some good, solid help, if I still couldn't do it, then I would really know that I would never be able to fix it all. I think then, I could really walk away... A lot of hanging on the balance... It feels like I am always walking a fine line with work. It is yet to be determined... TBA at a later time Tobey.. 99. 

A List of Work Related Shambles

A list: 

The feeling that it will never be good enough

The feeling of inadequacy 

The feeling of judgement 

The feeling of giving up

The feeling of constant exhaustion

The feeling you are never off

The feeling of frustration

The feeling of isolation

This summer will mark my 7th year at the shelter. I feel that I am coming to a head in my career there. I have tried so hard to make it work. I have wanted so badly to make it to the 10-year mark and finish out my PSLF. But I feel as if I am slowly drowning in a sea of responsibilities and expectations that I will never fulfill. I just don't know what to do anymore. Michael says I should "just quit". As if it were so easy to do so. I have already drawn in my daruma doll's eye... I keep trying to hang on to make it to draw the other one in. But I really don't know if I have it in me anymore. It feels as if I've run out of steam, gas, juice... whatever you want to call it. This feeling that I will never make it "good" no matter what I do... this feeling that it all lies on me... it's hard to swallow and make go away. I constantly feel the staff judging me. I hear their complaining. I cannot fix their problems, nor do they realize the difficulty in the constant search for solutions. Some might say, "well that's your job". I guess it's true to some extent. And maybe it's me. Maybe someone else could step in and make it all better in a simple swish. Maybe that someone is just not me. No matter how much I want it to be. 

It makes me sad to feel that I might give it all up. Something I have invested 7 hard years into. It makes me sad to feel that I could not do it. It also makes me sad to continue to stay. It makes me sad that every single day, I feel like a failure. 

I cry almost every day about work. It's a constant barrage of tears. Last week I cried in MA's office because I felt so overwhelmed. I felt like I had no help. It was a hard hard week. 

What will I do next? Truly, I do not know. I think of... "you will not stay where you are. No matter if you are on your way up or on your way down, you will not stay where you are." So it can only get better or I'm going to hit rock bottom. Time reveals most things... so time will tell... 

Alone at Last

Hi Toby,

Long time no write per usual. I am in Fort Collins CO for a continuing education bit for a few days, so this means some alone time for me! I never knew how much I appreciated alone time until I became a working mama. It feels like you so rarely get alone time once you become a parent. This goes on the "list of things that you just don't know until you go through it yourself" deal. Of course the caveat of this is that once you finally get this once in a blue moon alone time, you miss and want to see your kids at some point - that is until they start screaming, crying and whining again, which then makes you want to run back towards your alone time. I guess it's human nature to always be wanting what you can't have... lol. 

All kidding aside and truth be told, I do adore my children. Adalynn is now 6 yrs old and she is just becoming the funniest and silliest kid. We can laugh about anything and everything. Seeing her laugh and laughing alongside her, is one of my greatest joys as a parent. Juni is 3 yrs old - this makes her something called a toddler. Ahh yes, toddlerism. Addy went through it too. I've got to say that toddlerhood is my least favorite stage of growing up thus far. A childless acquaintance asked the other day what being a mother is like. I told them that if they enjoyed being a servant to an irrational tyrant who has zero body awareness and doesn't hesitate to elbow you while laughing hysterically all while looking at you with adoring eyes, they would love being a parent to a toddler. That being said, I know that toddlerhood is a phase, like everything else about kids, nothing stays the same for very long. Still, sarcastic humor is how I get through much of my hardships these days, so there will be no shortage of me making fun of my only toddler at home! Of course I love and care for Juni - when she is sweet, she is just as sweet as pie. And when you look at her and smile at her unexpectedly, she will always give you a big goofy grin back. It's the cutest thing. I guess that's why they made toddlers so damn adorable - because they are a shit ton of work!! Serving a dictator all day long is no small feat. 

I remember that when I was younger, I would write a LOT. I get to thinking about those times when I have longer moments to breathe and think. Writing, I realized, helped me think and grow. It helped me to organize my thoughts and actually really made me think fully about things that had happened to me. It's amazing how much journaling can help you grow. And in these past few years as my life has been consumed by work and motherhood, I haven't had time to do much of the things that I love. Journaling, reading, yoga-ing... and things that I long to explore, like cooking or doing art... and things that I shouldn't have given up on, like piano and learning Korean... I hope that as my kids get older, I am able to get back in touch with the things that I lost but know that deep inside that I still love. Pieces of you disappear into the dark night when you are breastfeeding a baby who is waking up every 2 hours to nurse. You don't realize it until it's all gone, that it's escaped and gone away... although in replacement of these pieces, there is also new joy in the love that you have for your children. That is truly the sacrifice of parenthood. You replace parts of yourself for your children. I know there are a rare few parents who are able to keep in touch with these parts of themselves even with kids, or only lose touch with themselves for a brief period of time. I see those people as superstars. As try as I might to be one of those parents, I just am not. I guess I've always been a bit of a procrastinator. I know I've got some catching up to do, but I do plan to do just that - catch up to knowing myself again. Until next time Tobes. 

<3 Karen

Your Name

Dear Toby,

So, I know that originally when I moved from Diaryland to Blogger I had decided not to name you. I think I thought that it would somehow mean that my blog was more mature in some weird way - like who writes to an imaginary person on the internet? I started re-reading some of my entries from Diaryland and it just feels right/normal to me to keep calling you by your name. So there ya go! lol. 

I can't believe that I will turn 39 this year. I feel SO OLD. Like, look at me. Here I am with a husband and two kids. Looking back on my old entries from Diaryland, it's hard to believe where I'm at now. I think my younger self would look at me now and say "You made it! You're a veterinarian and have a family!" Now my current, older self, would look at my younger self and say, "Hey, it's not all rainbows and fun over here. Enjoy your life now, you have no idea how good you have it!" It's kind of funny how your perspective changes as you age... It's too bad that I couldn't put my wiser mind into my younger body. I mean, funny enough, I believed I was wise at my younger age - well, wiser than the average bear? 

That is the truth about humans, is that we all have to learn from our own mistakes. I want to remember that for when my kids get older and they are growing into their own minds. I won't be able to protect them 100% from the world... but I will still do my best to teach them everything I know, even though I know that they truly need to learn for themselves.. and that's okay too as long as they keep themselves relatively safe.. 

I also started to delve into all of my old music that I used to listen to. Some of it I forgot how much I love and haven't heard in YEARS. Others I'm like.. did I listen to that? 

Current song: Lennon Stella/Charlie Puth - Summer Feelings  

More later... 

Hello, It's Been a While

Dear Toby,

It's been a long while... I've been thinking about writing again because well, life has gotten the better of me. Which is a strange thing for me to say because I've always prided myself as someone who is able to grow and adapt with the stressors of life. Now that I've got two young kids and a demanding full-time job, it's really pushed me over the edge. For the first time in my life, I have anxiety. Well, maybe that's not fair to say. Maybe I've always had anxiety and have never realized or wanted to admit it until now? I suppose as I was growing up, I had anxiety about friendships, then relationships, then getting into veterinary school, then attending and getting through veterinary school... so maybe I'm more anxious than I care to admit. I guess looking back - I felt I was able to deal with those stressors more willingly. These days I feel defeated. Toddlers are no joke. They are basically wild animals that have moments of sweetness. Mike and I refer to Juni as "The Terminator". The Terminator "can't be bargained with. It can't be reasoned with. It doesn't feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And it absolutely will not stop, ever, until you are dead." **Insert laughing/crying emoji here**

So.... life has been tough. I've actually started seeing a therapist. Can you believe that? I've never done that before. I have a few friends that I know that see a therapist and I wondered if it could help me in some way... it's strange when I think that I see a therapist. I've had 3 sessions with her now. I still don't know what to make of it in some ways but I think she does bring a different perspective, which is good. Starting therapy is what made me realize that writing could help me. I forgot that I used to write a lot. I used to write regularly from the beginning. I'll have to see when my earliest entries were, but I know I've seen entries from middle school. I wrote a significant amount in high school and college when I was trying to navigate the world of boyfriends, heartbreak and what relationships mean. Sometimes I think that what I am writing is SO obvious. The lessons are so obvious. And yet, it's the processing of those lessons that make you fully realize them, and I think that's what writing does for me. Plus, my memory is so bad that it really helps me to read back on my entries and remember those moments and lessons that I can't seem to just "remember" outright. Yup, I know, that's my brain... 

Anyway, wanted to check in with myself and get these crunchy fingers warmed up again... I'll be back! 

I Used to Say

Dear Toby,

I used to say that I would never ever kill myself. In fact, I was so sure of it, that I would joke to my family that if it ever appeared that I ever killed myself, someone definitely murdered me because I would never do that. 

Never say never I guess. 

I mean, I still don’t think I would actually ever do it. But I’m not going to lie, the thought has crossed my mind a few times in more recent days. Just in the sense of, it would be so much easier if it were over. There would be no more frustration or anxiety about family, colleagues or the world. All of which seem to be at odds with each other right now. With COVID in our lives, I know I’m not the only one feeling this way. More and more people are headed towards depression and anxiety. And don’t misread me - I am not a conspiracy theorist. I 100% believe COVID is real. I’m with science. 

It’s just all been so hard. It was hard enough without COVID... and to throw that in the mix. Really life? But maybe we as a species deserve it. We haven’t done much good for the world. Just trashed and mistreated the earth we live on. 

The only thought that stops those other thoughts- are my daughters. Right now, especially Adalynn because she is so much more aware and cognizant of me. Juni doesn’t quite know me the way Addy does. That’s really just because of the age. I know Addy wouldn’t understand why I would just suddenly be gone. I’m sure I would eventually fade from her memories over time. But I wouldn’t want that confusion to be there for her, even if it was relatively short lived... 

These are trying times for all.... 

100% Mama

Dear Toby,

It has been an incredibly long time since I have written. So much has changed. In fact, everything has changed. The most major changes in my life have to do with me becoming a mother to two children. I thought one child was hard. Boy, was I wrong! Two children is another ballgame. When I first became a mom, it added a depth of understanding and experience to my life that I had never known. Something you just can't understand until you go through it yourself. It's like getting your heart broken or discovering you have a life-altering disease or living through the death of a loved one. All the comparisons I'm making sound negative and I don't necessarily mean to, I just mean that it's something you can't understand until it happens to you. Prior to having Adalynn, I was just another experience-less childless person... And of course there is absolutely nothing wrong with NOT having children. It's just that, childless people, can't understand. And it's not their fault. They literally just haven't been through it is all. The sleepless nights, the utter exhaustion, the painful nipples, the clogged ducts, the popping of milk blisters, the toddler tantrums, potty training, the raising of a tiny dictator who does not yet have self-control.... I stop there because I haven't gone beyond those experiences in kids yet, but I'm aware of what is to come. The growing up. Puberty and pimples and broken hearts I will see her go through. But there is good too. So much good. The feeling of love. The feeling of family. Seeing her smile when she experiences the magic of Santa. Her excitement when she gets to trick or treat. Birthdays. It makes it all worth it. I know when she goes through her teenage years, there will be resistance. We won't be friends likely for a while... but if I can keep our connection present, even if held on by a thread, I know she can come back to me. I say that from my own experience of course. I remember being 16 and defiant. I remember lying to my mom, stealing money from her wallet, sneaking out to see my boyfriend, getting drunk for the first time with my friends, smoking marijuana, going to a rave. And yet I was able to make good choices too. The thing is, these experiences mold and shape us into who we will become. Everyone has to learn from their own mistakes. It's human nature. I realize this everyday. I dread it in some ways because I know that no amount of talking or teaching my daughter, can prevent her from learning through the pain of her own experiences. I have vowed to myself to not be an overbearing mother in her teenage years. And yet, I must still find some small way to make myself significant in her life. I hope that I can do a decent job... My children are truly, the love and light in my life. Their happiness is my happiness. That's the definition of being a mother. You give up a lot of your own life when you become a mom. It's the natural sacrifice that must come with the territory. I know I'll get my life back someday. I also know that when I do, I will miss the intimacy that comes with being a mom to young children. But I will also gain the friendship and love of an adult that I have raised, whom I can no longer really call a child, but will always be a child in my heart. It feels really good to write again. I'll try to do it more often when I can. There's so much that I have in thought that I haven't been able to put down into words. Until next time...  

A New World

Dear Toby,

Wow. The crazy world of being a MOM. Let me tell you, it is wild. It is amazing, beautiful, fun, crazy, exhausting and maddening all at once. I know every mother in the world thinks their child is beautiful... but she really is, beautiful.

She is now 11 weeks old and she can smile back at us now. It's the most rewarding feeling to see her smile back at you. It is crazy to us how quickly she is growing and changing, and yet, in some of these moments, I also think that she is growing too slowly and I am eager to see the exciting changes that are yet to come.

She was laying on her back on her playmat the other night and Michael looked over at her, his face in a sort of shock. I asked him "What?". He replied, "She's holding that owl like a goddamn champion!" Sure enough, I look over and she is holding onto the bottom of her owl toy with a good as grasp as any.

Having a baby has definitely put a lot of anxiety into my life. Anxiety and worry that I never really knew before. Since I am exclusively breastfeeding, I am constantly worried about my milk supply. Especially on feedings that seem much too short to me, or when she is fussy and crying after eating and I can't figure out why. I keep telling myself that it must be okay in order for her to be gaining weight at the rate that she is. I have made so many appointments to the MILC Clinic in Kaiser, they actually know our faces now. Although I really do think last week was probably my last appointment there. It's a part of the Kaiser clinic that has lactation consultants, they weigh baby pre-meal and post-meal to see how much milk they ingested, because truly, there really is no other way to know, which can drive a precise person bonkers. She took the most she has ever taken at our last visit, which was 140 ml. 30 ml = 1 oz, so she drank 4.6 oz! Previous visits she had taken 85 ml and even as little as 60 ml. I don't know if this just means she is becoming a more efficient drinker? Previous visits though we had about a 2 hour gap between a feed, one of them even just 1 hour, which I believe was the 60 ml, so it really was more of a "snack" for her. This last one was a 3 hour gap, so she must have been really hungry and I probably had more to give her that had built up.

I suppose that being said, milk production is really my biggest worry with the baby. The only other thing that scares me is hearing/reading SIDS stories... babies that just die suddenly for no apparent reason in their sleep. Being a veterinarian, it's hard to read these stories and think - there was no cause. It truly is an annoyance of mine when I hear people say things like, "he died from old age". Nobody really dies of old age do they? There is always something, discovered or not, there is a cause and effect. That's how my medically trained mind wants to work. Could be true though? That someone could just die of old age? It doesn't make sense to me when I think about it of course because if one did an autopsy on an older person, surely they would find SOMETHING wrong.... Anyway, if you are a new mother, father, parent, I suggest that you do NOT google SIDS stories... I don't think I slept that night. I listened and was startled by every noise made by her... Don't get me wrong, noise is actually a good thing in a sense, but waiting and listening for them.. boy. You really could be up all night, listening to a baby. You'll get no rest. Last week was rough for me because there were two nights in a row that I hardly slept at all. I couldn't remember falling asleep or waking up, because I didn't. Though by night 2 I was pretty delirious - I wasn't sure what I remembered. Thank goodness for day naps with the baby. Those saved my mind I think. It's been better this week because I'm feeling much less anxious. I am looking forward to when she starts to sleep through the night....

There's so much more I could go on and on about Toby, but I have to give it a rest because the baby will be up soon and it will be time for another feed... I'll leave you with a photo.. until next time..

One of my favorites of her