Dear Toby,
It has been an incredibly long time since I have written. So much has changed. In fact, everything has changed. The most major changes in my life have to do with me becoming a mother to two children. I thought one child was hard. Boy, was I wrong! Two children is another ballgame. When I first became a mom, it added a depth of understanding and experience to my life that I had never known. Something you just can't understand until you go through it yourself. It's like getting your heart broken or discovering you have a life-altering disease or living through the death of a loved one. All the comparisons I'm making sound negative and I don't necessarily mean to, I just mean that it's something you can't understand until it happens to you. Prior to having Adalynn, I was just another experience-less childless person... And of course there is absolutely nothing wrong with NOT having children. It's just that, childless people, can't understand. And it's not their fault. They literally just haven't been through it is all. The sleepless nights, the utter exhaustion, the painful nipples, the clogged ducts, the popping of milk blisters, the toddler tantrums, potty training, the raising of a tiny dictator who does not yet have self-control.... I stop there because I haven't gone beyond those experiences in kids yet, but I'm aware of what is to come. The growing up. Puberty and pimples and broken hearts I will see her go through. But there is good too. So much good. The feeling of love. The feeling of family. Seeing her smile when she experiences the magic of Santa. Her excitement when she gets to trick or treat. Birthdays. It makes it all worth it. I know when she goes through her teenage years, there will be resistance. We won't be friends likely for a while... but if I can keep our connection present, even if held on by a thread, I know she can come back to me. I say that from my own experience of course. I remember being 16 and defiant. I remember lying to my mom, stealing money from her wallet, sneaking out to see my boyfriend, getting drunk for the first time with my friends, smoking marijuana, going to a rave. And yet I was able to make good choices too. The thing is, these experiences mold and shape us into who we will become. Everyone has to learn from their own mistakes. It's human nature. I realize this everyday. I dread it in some ways because I know that no amount of talking or teaching my daughter, can prevent her from learning through the pain of her own experiences. I have vowed to myself to not be an overbearing mother in her teenage years. And yet, I must still find some small way to make myself significant in her life. I hope that I can do a decent job... My children are truly, the love and light in my life. Their happiness is my happiness. That's the definition of being a mother. You give up a lot of your own life when you become a mom. It's the natural sacrifice that must come with the territory. I know I'll get my life back someday. I also know that when I do, I will miss the intimacy that comes with being a mom to young children. But I will also gain the friendship and love of an adult that I have raised, whom I can no longer really call a child, but will always be a child in my heart. It feels really good to write again. I'll try to do it more often when I can. There's so much that I have in thought that I haven't been able to put down into words. Until next time...
