Dear Toby,
I used to say that I would never ever kill myself. In fact, I was so sure of it, that I would joke to my family that if it ever appeared that I ever killed myself, someone definitely murdered me because I would never do that.
Never say never I guess.
I mean, I still don’t think I would actually ever do it. But I’m not going to lie, the thought has crossed my mind a few times in more recent days. Just in the sense of, it would be so much easier if it were over. There would be no more frustration or anxiety about family, colleagues or the world. All of which seem to be at odds with each other right now. With COVID in our lives, I know I’m not the only one feeling this way. More and more people are headed towards depression and anxiety. And don’t misread me - I am not a conspiracy theorist. I 100% believe COVID is real. I’m with science.
It’s just all been so hard. It was hard enough without COVID... and to throw that in the mix. Really life? But maybe we as a species deserve it. We haven’t done much good for the world. Just trashed and mistreated the earth we live on.
The only thought that stops those other thoughts- are my daughters. Right now, especially Adalynn because she is so much more aware and cognizant of me. Juni doesn’t quite know me the way Addy does. That’s really just because of the age. I know Addy wouldn’t understand why I would just suddenly be gone. I’m sure I would eventually fade from her memories over time. But I wouldn’t want that confusion to be there for her, even if it was relatively short lived...
These are trying times for all....
