Your Name

Dear Toby,

So, I know that originally when I moved from Diaryland to Blogger I had decided not to name you. I think I thought that it would somehow mean that my blog was more mature in some weird way - like who writes to an imaginary person on the internet? I started re-reading some of my entries from Diaryland and it just feels right/normal to me to keep calling you by your name. So there ya go! lol. 

I can't believe that I will turn 39 this year. I feel SO OLD. Like, look at me. Here I am with a husband and two kids. Looking back on my old entries from Diaryland, it's hard to believe where I'm at now. I think my younger self would look at me now and say "You made it! You're a veterinarian and have a family!" Now my current, older self, would look at my younger self and say, "Hey, it's not all rainbows and fun over here. Enjoy your life now, you have no idea how good you have it!" It's kind of funny how your perspective changes as you age... It's too bad that I couldn't put my wiser mind into my younger body. I mean, funny enough, I believed I was wise at my younger age - well, wiser than the average bear? 

That is the truth about humans, is that we all have to learn from our own mistakes. I want to remember that for when my kids get older and they are growing into their own minds. I won't be able to protect them 100% from the world... but I will still do my best to teach them everything I know, even though I know that they truly need to learn for themselves.. and that's okay too as long as they keep themselves relatively safe.. 

I also started to delve into all of my old music that I used to listen to. Some of it I forgot how much I love and haven't heard in YEARS. Others I'm like.. did I listen to that? 

Current song: Lennon Stella/Charlie Puth - Summer Feelings  

More later... 

Hello, It's Been a While

Dear Toby,

It's been a long while... I've been thinking about writing again because well, life has gotten the better of me. Which is a strange thing for me to say because I've always prided myself as someone who is able to grow and adapt with the stressors of life. Now that I've got two young kids and a demanding full-time job, it's really pushed me over the edge. For the first time in my life, I have anxiety. Well, maybe that's not fair to say. Maybe I've always had anxiety and have never realized or wanted to admit it until now? I suppose as I was growing up, I had anxiety about friendships, then relationships, then getting into veterinary school, then attending and getting through veterinary school... so maybe I'm more anxious than I care to admit. I guess looking back - I felt I was able to deal with those stressors more willingly. These days I feel defeated. Toddlers are no joke. They are basically wild animals that have moments of sweetness. Mike and I refer to Juni as "The Terminator". The Terminator "can't be bargained with. It can't be reasoned with. It doesn't feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And it absolutely will not stop, ever, until you are dead." **Insert laughing/crying emoji here**

So.... life has been tough. I've actually started seeing a therapist. Can you believe that? I've never done that before. I have a few friends that I know that see a therapist and I wondered if it could help me in some way... it's strange when I think that I see a therapist. I've had 3 sessions with her now. I still don't know what to make of it in some ways but I think she does bring a different perspective, which is good. Starting therapy is what made me realize that writing could help me. I forgot that I used to write a lot. I used to write regularly from the beginning. I'll have to see when my earliest entries were, but I know I've seen entries from middle school. I wrote a significant amount in high school and college when I was trying to navigate the world of boyfriends, heartbreak and what relationships mean. Sometimes I think that what I am writing is SO obvious. The lessons are so obvious. And yet, it's the processing of those lessons that make you fully realize them, and I think that's what writing does for me. Plus, my memory is so bad that it really helps me to read back on my entries and remember those moments and lessons that I can't seem to just "remember" outright. Yup, I know, that's my brain... 

Anyway, wanted to check in with myself and get these crunchy fingers warmed up again... I'll be back!