Long time no write per usual. I am in Fort Collins CO for a continuing education bit for a few days, so this means some alone time for me! I never knew how much I appreciated alone time until I became a working mama. It feels like you so rarely get alone time once you become a parent. This goes on the "list of things that you just don't know until you go through it yourself" deal. Of course the caveat of this is that once you finally get this once in a blue moon alone time, you miss and want to see your kids at some point - that is until they start screaming, crying and whining again, which then makes you want to run back towards your alone time. I guess it's human nature to always be wanting what you can't have... lol.
All kidding aside and truth be told, I do adore my children. Adalynn is now 6 yrs old and she is just becoming the funniest and silliest kid. We can laugh about anything and everything. Seeing her laugh and laughing alongside her, is one of my greatest joys as a parent. Juni is 3 yrs old - this makes her something called a toddler. Ahh yes, toddlerism. Addy went through it too. I've got to say that toddlerhood is my least favorite stage of growing up thus far. A childless acquaintance asked the other day what being a mother is like. I told them that if they enjoyed being a servant to an irrational tyrant who has zero body awareness and doesn't hesitate to elbow you while laughing hysterically all while looking at you with adoring eyes, they would love being a parent to a toddler. That being said, I know that toddlerhood is a phase, like everything else about kids, nothing stays the same for very long. Still, sarcastic humor is how I get through much of my hardships these days, so there will be no shortage of me making fun of my only toddler at home! Of course I love and care for Juni - when she is sweet, she is just as sweet as pie. And when you look at her and smile at her unexpectedly, she will always give you a big goofy grin back. It's the cutest thing. I guess that's why they made toddlers so damn adorable - because they are a shit ton of work!! Serving a dictator all day long is no small feat.
I remember that when I was younger, I would write a LOT. I get to thinking about those times when I have longer moments to breathe and think. Writing, I realized, helped me think and grow. It helped me to organize my thoughts and actually really made me think fully about things that had happened to me. It's amazing how much journaling can help you grow. And in these past few years as my life has been consumed by work and motherhood, I haven't had time to do much of the things that I love. Journaling, reading, yoga-ing... and things that I long to explore, like cooking or doing art... and things that I shouldn't have given up on, like piano and learning Korean... I hope that as my kids get older, I am able to get back in touch with the things that I lost but know that deep inside that I still love. Pieces of you disappear into the dark night when you are breastfeeding a baby who is waking up every 2 hours to nurse. You don't realize it until it's all gone, that it's escaped and gone away... although in replacement of these pieces, there is also new joy in the love that you have for your children. That is truly the sacrifice of parenthood. You replace parts of yourself for your children. I know there are a rare few parents who are able to keep in touch with these parts of themselves even with kids, or only lose touch with themselves for a brief period of time. I see those people as superstars. As try as I might to be one of those parents, I just am not. I guess I've always been a bit of a procrastinator. I know I've got some catching up to do, but I do plan to do just that - catch up to knowing myself again. Until next time Tobes.
<3 Karen
