A list:
The feeling that it will never be good enough
The feeling of inadequacy
The feeling of judgement
The feeling of giving up
The feeling of constant exhaustion
The feeling you are never off
The feeling of frustration
The feeling of isolation
This summer will mark my 7th year at the shelter. I feel that I am coming to a head in my career there. I have tried so hard to make it work. I have wanted so badly to make it to the 10-year mark and finish out my PSLF. But I feel as if I am slowly drowning in a sea of responsibilities and expectations that I will never fulfill. I just don't know what to do anymore. Michael says I should "just quit". As if it were so easy to do so. I have already drawn in my daruma doll's eye... I keep trying to hang on to make it to draw the other one in. But I really don't know if I have it in me anymore. It feels as if I've run out of steam, gas, juice... whatever you want to call it. This feeling that I will never make it "good" no matter what I do... this feeling that it all lies on me... it's hard to swallow and make go away. I constantly feel the staff judging me. I hear their complaining. I cannot fix their problems, nor do they realize the difficulty in the constant search for solutions. Some might say, "well that's your job". I guess it's true to some extent. And maybe it's me. Maybe someone else could step in and make it all better in a simple swish. Maybe that someone is just not me. No matter how much I want it to be.
It makes me sad to feel that I might give it all up. Something I have invested 7 hard years into. It makes me sad to feel that I could not do it. It also makes me sad to continue to stay. It makes me sad that every single day, I feel like a failure.
I cry almost every day about work. It's a constant barrage of tears. Last week I cried in MA's office because I felt so overwhelmed. I felt like I had no help. It was a hard hard week.
What will I do next? Truly, I do not know. I think of... "you will not stay where you are. No matter if you are on your way up or on your way down, you will not stay where you are." So it can only get better or I'm going to hit rock bottom. Time reveals most things... so time will tell...
