Hi again... Got home from another day at work a couple of hours ago. Mike is doing a sleep study to see if he has sleep apnea, so he's not here tonight. It's really nice having a night to myself... just me and my thoughts. It's always so busy in my life now with work and living with Mike. On top of hanging out with friends and family... I feel like I have no time for myself to just relax and THINK. This is one of the reasons why your pets can be the greatest friends at times. They don't talk to you. They simply enjoy the presence of your company. And that's all I want sometimes.
So yesterday I didn't go to work. I wasn't feeling the best and I figured if they weren't busy it wouldn't be a big deal. It was one of those things where I could have gone to work if I really wanted to. But honestly? I was just so tired of working and that hospital for that matter that I simply wanted to burst. I've met some really awesome people at ACCIM, and I've also met some people that I'd really rather avoid. The politics of that hospital is also aggravating at times that I feel like I could simply walk out and never come back. It's hard to explain. But to sum it up, simply put, they make you stand on your head while working super hard before they trust you to do anything. I'm really glad that I'll be done with that hospital come June 10th. I wouldn't say that I regret working there however. I think it was a good experience to go through. It makes what I want a lot more clear in my mind. It helps me see what I DON'T want.
After not being at the gym for months and months, I FINALLY went to the gym last night. I worked out mostly muscles and jogged for a bit on the treadmill. I decided to run on a slight incline this time. It was so much harder than what I normally do! I can't believe that even such a little incline can make such a huge difference in your workout. It was a good session though. I'm really glad I went and hope that I will go much more once I go back down to one job. I really want to try to shape up a little before I move to Kansas.
Last week I received a very unexpected phone call. It was from an old friendship that I still think about from time to time. It created such a mixture of feelings that I wasn't sure what to think about it. It made me happy, sad and mad all at once. After we hung up, the first thing I did was just cry. In fact, just about every time I think about the friendship we had, it brings tears to my eyes. So I just force myself to not think about it. I can't help but miss the friendship we had. It's one of the biggest regrets of my life. I'm not entirely putting the blame on myself.. but I feel like I could have changed the course of things with my actions. You could probably say the same thing for the other person... but I don't want to point fingers anymore. I'm just regretful. I learned a lot from it though. And if I'm ever lucky enough to gain a friendship like that again in my lifetime, I won't let it slip away from me so easily.
Mike is a wonderful person and a wonderful boyfriend. I really couldn't ask for more. Even though our relationship is great and we have a lot of fun together, I have to say that sometimes I feel that he doesn't fully understand me. A lot of couples say that their best friends are each other. I'm not sure that I could say the same about me and Mike. I think part of the reason is that I'm so involved with my emotions and Mike isn't. He doesn't really make decisions based on his emotions, because that would be irrational and Mike isn't irrational. Me, on the other hand... I live off of my feelings. Sometimes I'm not rational and I can make a lot of mistakes. Is that really so bad? Sometimes I feel that I am unable to share my feelings and thoughts with Michael because he simply wouldn't understand. He wouldn't understand because he doesn't function that way. It's bothering me a lot right now that I can't talk to Michael about my feelings. Especially when he's supposed to be the closest person to me. Maybe this would all be okay if I felt that I actually had an emotional support system in my life.. but I simply don't.
Something is definitely missing.
