Dear Tobey,
One of my dearest friends is going through an incredibly difficult time in her life. I told her how therapeutic journaling and writing it all out is. It dawns on me with fair consistency that I should be following my own advice... yet I go through huge intermittent spurts of not writing... Primarily because of the children. Someone posted on my DVM Mom's group on FB that they wondered if anyone else felt how they did - that they love their children but they do not like their children. I think about that in terms of my own life and kids, and it's not that I don't like them, it's just that when the going gets tough, I just really dislike those times. The times of whining and fighting amongst each other is maddening. Oh, and this constant chore of having to feed and water these beings... lol. You know what it is - it's this feeling of essentially being a maid/cook/caretaker all of the time that is exhausting. Because of course, as a working parent, it's like I'm constantly on the clock. I go to work at an extremely mentally demanding job, then when I get off, it's just another job to go to - to make sure they are fed, done their homework.. and really trying to do it the "right" way and wondering if I am doing it the "right" way (or not?) is a constant exhausting cycle. I know what they say. I know that it's true. But it doesn't make it any less hard... "The days are long but the years are short". I know it. I know it. I know I will be thinking this when they are old and grown... but it still doesn't make this easier. Growing up, I was never one that thought motherhood was necessity in my life. I was always on the fence about it. I think most people have an inkling of the loss of independence that occurs once you become a parent, but it's one of those things that you don't truly grasp until you've been through it yourself. Then I think it's because I have two children, and how much easier it would have been with just one. But then you think how that one child would have only child syndrome.. and I certainly have been able to tell which of the people I come to know, were raised as only children. Not always of course, but they generally are less empathetic, more selfish than those with siblings.. which makes complete sense. Then I also wonder if I REALLY would know how much easier it is if I only had one, because I wouldn't really know if I didn't actually have two kids. I just THINK this now BECAUSE I have two kids.. if that makes sense. (sigh). I know a lot of it has to do with my second one being the age she is. She's a freshly minted 5 year old... and she's the second born... It's completely not her fault you know. It's not fair that she gets this "blame" just because she is the second born. I know it's not fair. But I am just so so so tired. Does that make me a shitty mom? Maybe. Maybe it does. All this aside, of course I love my children. I just miss sleep, independence... I miss the old me who didn't live with all of this anxiety and stress.
It's not just the children of course. The job I have is maddening. Can you believe I'm still at the same place? I don't know why I cannot just QUIT. Much of it is because I would feel like I'm letting down so many people.. but maybe the truth is, I'm already letting them down. It's so hard to say... The upside is we've hired an experienced clinic manager... I'm going to see if she and I can turn things around... but if it doesn't work... I think then I can know that I gave it my all and even with some good, solid help, if I still couldn't do it, then I would really know that I would never be able to fix it all. I think then, I could really walk away... A lot of hanging on the balance... It feels like I am always walking a fine line with work. It is yet to be determined... TBA at a later time Tobey.. 99.
